learn to kill a part of you
It doesn’t matter how much you share.
How many evenings spent in laughter.
How many caresses and how many tender hugs you share at night.
They may tell you they love you.
They may even mean it.
It doesn’t matter how many times they told you they want to be with you.
How they will never leave you- no.. Not you. They left others, but not you. You’re special. You really are.
And you have to be careful- because they keep saying those things.
And you know it’s bullshit. But the longer you hang around- you start believing it.
And then you’re completely fucked.
Because then- no matter how much shit you have in your life- how many scars.. Your heart can still love.
And you realize the only way in which what that person is telling you will be real- is if you believe it.
Against all your experience, sound judgement. You look her in the eye and she says she will never stop loving you- she says she will never be apart from you. And you know- you know.. But you wait long enough- you let yourself believe those things.
Love does not last. People don’t really care about each other.
They say they do. Sometimes in slices of time and space, they even go ahead and care for real. They express it.
Maybe that’s what makes it more painful and incomprehensible when it vanishes as if it never existed.
We sit in a corner and tell ourselves we care, and that it’s enough.
Human beings, we do not care about love.
They care about sons and daughters- they care about family- but there are no bonds created apart.
There is no intellectual connection.
There is no magic. There is no special anything.
Probably least of all- it doesn’t matter how much you love someone.
No matter what you mean to someone- soon enough you’re just a memory they can live with.
Because the real thing is simply not worth the trouble.
Take your sleeping pills and stunt your sentience, for there’s your fucking lesson learned.
Drown in work. Be like everybody else. You lasted long enough- It’s time to learn- time to stop being yourself. Time to be like the one who left you- not like they said they were- but how they really are in practice, in reality, in action. Time to reach in and strangle what you care for.
A hard thing to kill- the love you have inside- hard because you pity it so much. Not hard because it’s strong- not hard because it will not die easily-
Love is a small child without a mother.
It is so weak and you look at it, crying- cold- in the corner. And you see his face- it is your face when you were young- It is you when you thought there was justice in the world- you when you believed that people cared for one another- you when if anyone were hungry in the world- your food was to be shared. And when you told your father and he said no, you knew he was wrong.
Shiver in the corner looking at you with big brown eyes.
Asking you to please give it warmth, please- and the tears.. And the little hands you loved so much to hold and care for. And you have to look at it, reason- and explain.. No.. I cannot hold you any longer- I will no longer shelter you inside me.
Pull by the side of the road- tell him it is best this way. I can’t care for you anymore- I will not care for you anymore.
